![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
e_julianaI am scheduled to run a 10-K on Saturday morning.
I have a doctor's appointment for my back on Friday.
If she tells me I can't run, I will be mightily upset. I'm really looking forward to it.
For all my misanthropy and dislike of crowds, I love running in races. I love the feeling of mass effort, the simultaneous competition against my own self and the others around me. At the speed I run, it's not a life-or-death battle. It's a bunch of people who happen to like pitting themselves against their own bodies and the clock. There is, as I said, competition in between the runners, but it's more of a spur than a "I must beat this other person or I will never be able to look myself in the eye again." Well, at least for me. I wouldn't be able to enjoy running if I were more invested in beating other people. What makes me run is the knowledge that I can improve every day, every race. I can beat myself, I can top my own records, I can look at a tough goal and say, "I can do that." It may take me a while, but I can do it, and I know how.
I love running and hate it at the same time. I love it because I can do it anytime, anywhere, as long as my body is up for it. I hate it because it is really fucking hard sometimes. It's punishing and brutal, and yet I must. I have no choice. I take a week off here and there, but I keep returning to it. Much like theater, but that's a different essay.
So, I run. And I will run Saturday. Unless I am told not to. Then we'll talk.
I have a doctor's appointment for my back on Friday.
If she tells me I can't run, I will be mightily upset. I'm really looking forward to it.
For all my misanthropy and dislike of crowds, I love running in races. I love the feeling of mass effort, the simultaneous competition against my own self and the others around me. At the speed I run, it's not a life-or-death battle. It's a bunch of people who happen to like pitting themselves against their own bodies and the clock. There is, as I said, competition in between the runners, but it's more of a spur than a "I must beat this other person or I will never be able to look myself in the eye again." Well, at least for me. I wouldn't be able to enjoy running if I were more invested in beating other people. What makes me run is the knowledge that I can improve every day, every race. I can beat myself, I can top my own records, I can look at a tough goal and say, "I can do that." It may take me a while, but I can do it, and I know how.
I love running and hate it at the same time. I love it because I can do it anytime, anywhere, as long as my body is up for it. I hate it because it is really fucking hard sometimes. It's punishing and brutal, and yet I must. I have no choice. I take a week off here and there, but I keep returning to it. Much like theater, but that's a different essay.
So, I run. And I will run Saturday. Unless I am told not to. Then we'll talk.
