Nerves.

[e_juliana]

I am scheduled to run a 10-K on Saturday morning.

I have a doctor's appointment for my back on Friday.

If she tells me I can't run, I will be mightily upset. I'm really looking forward to it.

For all my misanthropy and dislike of crowds, I love running in races. I love the feeling of mass effort, the simultaneous competition against my own self and the others around me. At the speed I run, it's not a life-or-death battle. It's a bunch of people who happen to like pitting themselves against their own bodies and the clock. There is, as I said, competition in between the runners, but it's more of a spur than a "I must beat this other person or I will never be able to look myself in the eye again." Well, at least for me. I wouldn't be able to enjoy running if I were more invested in beating other people. What makes me run is the knowledge that I can improve every day, every race. I can beat myself, I can top my own records, I can look at a tough goal and say, "I can do that." It may take me a while, but I can do it, and I know how.

I love running and hate it at the same time. I love it because I can do it anytime, anywhere, as long as my body is up for it. I hate it because it is really fucking hard sometimes. It's punishing and brutal, and yet I must. I have no choice. I take a week off here and there, but I keep returning to it. Much like theater, but that's a different essay.

So, I run. And I will run Saturday. Unless I am told not to. Then we'll talk.

Comments

[mskat.livejournal.com]

What you said about running is so damned true.

I mostly hate it every moment until I hit mile 6 or so. Then it gets better. But it's hard and I'm terrible at it. It's a constant lesson in humility for me.

and I haven't run since January.