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I Gotta Get Out Of This Place
Jun. 26th, 2004 10:20 pmY'all may think I'm doing a lot of complaining. It's true, I am. However, best to complain to my extended network of friends/family than to blow up at Mother Dear, so here we go.
Last night hammered something home that I've know for a while: I really don't belong here. What it added was the feeling of being simultaneously utterly foreign and bound to old notions of one's self.
Let me explain: When I'm in the States, people look at me as if I'm some sort of exotic bird when they find out I was born and raised here. But here, I am exotic. I dress differently, I look different, I move differently. I have heard through the grapevine that someone I used to care for very deeply now thinks that I am pretentious, that I've "gone Hollywood". To a point, that stings. To a point, that's true. I do expect better things out of life than this place can ever give me, and I won't hide how far I've changed. I just hoped that the people I grew up with would see the potential and how far my wings have spread. If they were to be disappointed in me, I would hope that it would be the disappointment of not shooting for even more. But, that is not the case.
I feel bound here, bound by the old expectations. Many people have expressed surprise that I am marrying, saying that I seemed such a free spirit. This saddens me, because all I wanted when I was here was someone to spend my life with, who got me, who, when shown a new door, would say "Let's go," and walk on through. Someone who wants to spend the rest of their life doing theater and hanging the moon. Clearly, said person was not here, and I'm glad they weren't, because Zach gets me best of all, and we show each other doors.
Anyway. Babbling. Will go spend times with parents now. Back home on Monday, none too soon.
Last night hammered something home that I've know for a while: I really don't belong here. What it added was the feeling of being simultaneously utterly foreign and bound to old notions of one's self.
Let me explain: When I'm in the States, people look at me as if I'm some sort of exotic bird when they find out I was born and raised here. But here, I am exotic. I dress differently, I look different, I move differently. I have heard through the grapevine that someone I used to care for very deeply now thinks that I am pretentious, that I've "gone Hollywood". To a point, that stings. To a point, that's true. I do expect better things out of life than this place can ever give me, and I won't hide how far I've changed. I just hoped that the people I grew up with would see the potential and how far my wings have spread. If they were to be disappointed in me, I would hope that it would be the disappointment of not shooting for even more. But, that is not the case.
I feel bound here, bound by the old expectations. Many people have expressed surprise that I am marrying, saying that I seemed such a free spirit. This saddens me, because all I wanted when I was here was someone to spend my life with, who got me, who, when shown a new door, would say "Let's go," and walk on through. Someone who wants to spend the rest of their life doing theater and hanging the moon. Clearly, said person was not here, and I'm glad they weren't, because Zach gets me best of all, and we show each other doors.
Anyway. Babbling. Will go spend times with parents now. Back home on Monday, none too soon.
