Morning.

I have two essays/posts in my head: How Musical Theater Ruined My Life, and A Gender-Swap Rumination. Hopefully I'll be able to get to both of them today, although it's not looking very hopeful.

We got a pretty good review for Measure For Measure. Yay! It is a problematic play, so I'm happy to see the basic themes are coming through loud and clear.

I watched Décalage horaire (Jet Lag) last night - a frothy little romantic comedy starring Jean Reno and Juliette Binoche. Not high art, but fun and French and pretty. I adore watching Mr. Reno work, and Ms. Binoche as luminous as ever.

Tuesday night, I saw Velvet Goldmine. V. pretty film. Since I'm not a big pop-culture history buff, a lot of the layers passed right by me. Yes, I know about the sexuality of a lot of the major players in the early 70s glam-rock scene, and I know about the shake-ups and renunciations and general shittiness that followed, but clearly not enough to get much more than "Soooooooo pretty" out of the movie. Also, I continue to think Christian Bale is one of the creepier guys out there, which should help with Batman Begins. There were, however, two moments in which I identified with his character so much that it hurt: in the beginning, when he's at the concert and so excited to see his idol, but he can't keep himself from observing others and Watching; and later on, when he sneaks out of his house in his new glam clothes and goes to the area where all the cool kids hang out all full of hope and newness, and he gets the once-over and a sneer from an Über-Cool girl. He doesn't belong, no matter how he tries, and no amount of clothes or music will allow him in, because his isolation, while partially externally imposed, is driven in a large way by his own sense of self or lack thereof. (Wow. Comma abuse for miles there. Sorry.) It also got me thinking about how I've tended to prefer the essential ideas of punk and grunge over goth and glam. Which is not to say I don't like goth and glam, but there are times when the artifice gets to be too much (yes, I know there are/were poseurs aplenty in punk and grunge and hard truths in goth and glam. I speak in generalities here).

Anyway. I think I shall have to buy a copy of Velvet Goldmine for myself, as it's one of those movies wherein I will want to watch just a specific scene on occasion. Yes.


Also had a root canal yesterday. Le fucking whee. I discovered that 5 shots of Novocain will fuck me up right proper. I couldn't drive home promptly after the appointment and was forced to wander around a nearby Snyder's until I could get it together. They had no Easter candy and no St. Ives lotion. It was horrible, I tell you. Horrible! The endodontist was very nice. He is also my age, is quite funny and often plays drums with Pete Yorn in addition to being an endodontist. Way to make me feel unaccomplished, dude. The jaw joint (what's the name of it?) is massively sore today. 5 shots will do that to you.


That's about the end of it. Z & I will be seeing The Aviator tonight, so I'll have a Serious Movie to discuss soon. Now, I must go fetch a smoothie so I won't starve to death. Ciao.

Ooooooh.

Massively pretty Pericles photos from the Guthrie Lab. Very visually interesting play. I'm looking forward to seeing it.

Gender Ruminations.

I normally don't let myself indulge in the "What if?" game, because it would too easily consume me and/or I get irritated with the wondering about a moot point. However, in this case, not only is it a moot point (for most people), it's been a moot point since before I was born. The question?

Who would I be if I had been born a male? Who would I have become in place of Juliana?

Let's start with the obvious - name. I would have been named Kevin, most likely. I can't imagine myself as a Kevin. The uncle I would have been named after eventually drank himself to death, and the other Kevins I've known have been nice enough, but not especially quirky. More nerdy, which is a distinct possibility. I may have actually gone behind my mother's back to play D&D (she banned it during that period of "D&D causes your children to worship Satan and commit suicide!" hysteria), instead of bowing to the anti-nerd pressure from my girl friends.

I probably still wouldn't have played any organized sports in high school. I definitely wouldn't have been a cheerleader. I doubt I would have had the build to play rugby in college. I also doubt that I would have gone to Gustavus.

The dynamic between my father and me would most certainly have been worse - a replay of the dynamic between him and his father.

I would have been angrier as a teenager. Much angrier (but probably happier in college and beyond. Go figure). Extrapolating from that, I probably would have listened to much more punk and metal. Considering where I grew up, probably metal. I probably would have smoked a lot more pot.

I would probably still have gone all swoony over the idea of The Vampire Lestat and being a vampire. Some things are more a product of teenagerdom than gender.

I probably (and this is a statement of great danger) would have been a better actor. The things that trip up my acting are problems that female performers - comedians especially - run into all the time. The need to be liked. The need to be accepted. The need to look good. The fact that if a woman is tough, she's a bitch, but if a man is tough, he's sexy. If a woman complains, she's whining. Shit like that, both mental and external.

I have no idea of what my sexuality would have been. I'm sure I would have been straight or straight-acting in high school, because Fairbanks is very much a small town and it's hella dangerous to step outside the norms there.


Beyond high school is really a cipher to me. I can imagine what a young & a teenaged male me would have been like, but the events that led to me going where I did for college were so very random that I can't make an educated guess on what an XY version of me would have done.


So. That's a possibility of what would have been me. What about you? What if you had been born a different gender?